Sometimes I wish I could go back to the emo days of blasting My Chemical Romance on my now ancient iPod nano. Enraptured by the angst-filled music, I would imagine going through the gut-wrenching heartbreak that the songs described. When you’re thirteen and your crush didn’t add you on his Myspace Top 8, that was heartbreaking enough.

Lately, it seems like my close friends and family are dealing with disappointments; disappointments over failed romantic relationships,  mental health challenges, and limited job prospects. And even though this emotion is not the heartbreak described by sad love songs, there are times when my heart feels much heavier. It’s sad to see a loved one hurting, but it’s even worse to know that there’s nothing you can do to alleviate their pain.

That’s what makes “adult heartbreaks” so complicated. The bitterness can’t be erased by a simple sugary treat. As adults, we try to do this by giving in to “grown-up” vices, only to find that happiness to be short-lived. Instead, we have to find ways to heal. Of course, the hardest part is learning how to heal. You would think they teach you self-care practices in Adult-ing 101, but most of us never even think of actively doing something for ourselves on a regular basis. Eventually, we forget what gives us not just pleasure, but joy. For some, strength is found in prayer. Others prefer music, writing, or dancing. Regardless of which method you choose, it’s important to take care of yourself.

Beyond advocating for self-care, I wrote this post to acknowledge the sadness in my own life and those of my loved ones. Talking about sadness makes people uncomfortable. Indeed, this post was saved in draft form for over a month; I found myself unable to confront and express these emotions. After all, we expect to share and react only to the personal highlight reels. And when someone does open up and shares their problem, I am often guilty of quickly offering my list of recommendations: “It’ll be okay, just do this, this, and this!” Yet in reality, there are times when all we really need is for someone to listen. We just need someone to feel the heaviness in our chests and share that pain with us even for just a moment. To know that we are not alone.

There may be no breakup song to blast when experiencing an adult heartbreak, but there are ways to support oneself and each other. Perhaps it’s time to start a conversation with yourself and your loved ones. Check-in with them. And the next time they confide their troubles with you, don’t try to fix it for them. Rather, be ready to carry their grief with them and say:

I hear you.

I’m sorry.

I’ll walk through the pain with you.